My urologist called me today while I was actually out accompanying my wife for her PET-Scan. We went to the exact same location with the exact same staff. Anyway, the urologist left me a voicemail with the news:

The scan is clear, no signs of metastases anywhere. Secondly, another urine sample he took right out of my kidney while he performed the Cystoscopy Thursday last week, came back negative for malignant cell occurrence.

Yes, of course I am happy and quite relieved. After all, I now have a fair shot of getting away fairly easily – at least in the context of cancer and what could have happened to me otherwise – with just having my left kidney removed. No comparison to what other cancer patients have to endure in their battle with the disease. But I’m still very confused by the way I handle the whole thing. I seriously ask myself, whether I became incapable of internalizing bad news. Maybe it’s a kind of self induced oblivion, disbelief or refusal to acknowledge of what's going on. The fact of the matter is, I do lack of emotional depths with regard to my cancer. I am way more afraid of and concerned about my wife’s breast cancer situation. But that doesn’t make me an unselfish altruist or saint; I don’t feel that way at all. I should be more concerned about myself for ‘unselfish’ reasons. I do have a family to support, I have a social and intellectual responsibility. Yet, the things that I am most concerned about in the context of my disease: Will the insurance pay out the money to my wife if I die of cancer? Will my wife be able to get the girls through school? Etc.. Stuff like that. And that’s horrible. Why can’t I just FEEL? It’s not that I’m drained of emotions in general, but if it comes to my cancer, I lack the ability of being appropriately concerned. But what would be "appropriate" anyway? 

I am sure that this doesn’t make any sense to anybody. Why would it? I don't know what I should think of all that.

Well, cancer is weird, that’s for sure.