Today is one of these days. Everything is grey. The sky, the bank-account, the remaining credit-card limit and the even the cancer. I’m not trying to be a ‘pity-me’ cry-baby, but I just woke up that way. There’s this little sting in my chest and right thigh. It’s probably nothing, but in the overbearing grand scheme of cancer, you can’t help but to think that this must be little metastases forming up. Of course, I know it’s irrational, but on a day like today, I would even refuse to accept if someone would give it to me in written, that my wife and I will be okay.
It’s just brutal – we both got cancer. I could live with my kidney-cancer, and I’m not just saying that. I would be fine with it. But the two of us and what that did to us as a family can really want to make you jump off a cliff at times. It’s insane when you think about it. My family would be better off financially with me being dead. That’s just a matter of fact and probably this is true for many other families, with or without cancer, if there’s life insurance. The United States are my home. I keep telling people who curiously inquire about my life in Germany and me being German that I never in the entire 33 years of living in Germany felt as much at home, as I do now and here in the States. Certainly, that must be in large part attributed to the fact that I met my beautiful wife and two step-daughters here, but even independently from that, I am positive it would still be the same. However, it there’s one thing that makes me want to go back every now and then, it would be the Health Care System. It is utterly scaring here and no comparison to Germany or the most part of Europe, for that matter. And I’m not even sure if the medical care is actually better there, but at least you don’t have to worry about money and getting the care you need. It is being paid. And why is that? Because it’s ‘Socialized Health Care’. Money is being taken out of everybody’s pay-check every month. If you get sick, the insurance pays for you bills. If you don’t need it, the insurance will use your money and pay for somebody else’s bills. Very simple and proven to be effective. Would that work in the United States? I am not sure. A much bigger country, more people, different infrastructure and of course, a different mind set.
Anyway, this is where Sue comes in: she mastered the “let go” concept. Read her comments on my blog postings and head over to her website and read her journal. This is the way to go. Just let go and leave it up to God. If I manage to internalize that model, I will be fine. I know that. But on days like this, it just seems to be an impossible endeavor.
The good thing is, there's always a tomorrow.

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